he's on the juice...

yep. BALCO may just come after me with this confession. i have willingly used steroids the past week...and may remain on them for a few more.

about two and a half weeks ago, i experienced some fuzziness in my vision - like looking through a piece of artist's tracing paper. it was weird. other than shitty vision in the first place, i'd never had this weird sensation; it scared me.

at first, i attributed my sudden deterioration in vision to abuse of my soft contact lenses. after 18 years of wearing them, i was bound to fuck up and neglect 'em. yeah, real bright, eh? so i vainly tried to baby my eyes, making sure they were well irrigated and free from any foreign objects/deposits/etc.

and after a week, my vision was improving and clearing up.

that is, until the saturday before memorial day. something happened that night to cause the fogginess to pretty much triple. instead of looking through tracing paper, it was like looking through wax paper - yikes.

of course, i finally wised up and saw my optometrist this past tuesday. i didn't 'see the light' though, because i probably should have gone and seen him RIGHT when it happened.

the initial diagnosis? a massive detached retina. yeah...i was totally scared shitless because lois is still recovering from her three retinal surgeries that she endured in february. in fact, she won't know if she's in the clear until late June. i was so stunned that i didn't break down until we got in the car to see a retinal specialist. i wondered why he kept asking me about a head injury in the past two weeks.

when we arrived at the retinal specialist, his assistant was getting me a slot for surgery the next day. that five minutes seemed like an eternity, we just sat there in a stupor. got the paperwork done...the examination...and the next day's plan. even though i was terrified, having taken lois to her three surgeries prepared me for what was looming. my main problem was how i was going to cope if i had a non-repairable ruptured retina.

during the evaluation with the doctor, i was tense but trying to stay positive without cracking. i guess it's like shitting yer pants and trying not to notice the smell...

anyway, his diagnosis was much more comforting. with the ultrasound, he showed me that my retina was completely fine. however, he called my condition a 'rip roaring' inflammation. in fact, i have 'uveitis.' basically, my entire eye is swollen. luckily, the mis-diagnosis of the detached retina gave way to canceling the eye surgery...whew. still, uveitis is not something to be taken lightly; supposedly it's the third leading cause of blindness - great.

anyway, the retinal specialist prescribed some drops and referred me to a corneal specialist, who sees more cases like mine. i've already seen him (only in my right eye - ha!) twice and have at least two more visits.

so...my days have been filled with Pred Forte, which are an ophthamic steroid drops, applied every hour i'm awake during the day...Atropine, a pupil dilator...and now Prednisone, an oral steroid which is supposed to relieve the interior eye cloudiness. sigh.

it really sucks to be completely dilated in the left eye for the entire day...every day. my brain still wants the eye to focus and the pupil to contract when it encounters bright light; driving is such an adventure.

later this week, i'm supposed to get some tests that the doc recommended. they include: chest x-rays (for possible TB), a sacroiliac x-ray (for ankylosing spondylitis), six blood tests, and a skin test. it's hard not to be discouraged...and i haven't even gotten the damn tests yet!

ah well. perhaps it was time for something 'exciting' to happen in my life. i guess almost getting abducted in Mexico...or a spider bite that affected me for 10+ years...or the hundreds of mosquito and sand flea bites...or the mummy dust that will just make you barf...or the labyrinthitis that put me down for almost three months, were mere spit in the ocean compared to this eye affliction.

it's funny because all those tests will probably come up negative. what really sticks in my mind though is the reappearing of the phrase "autoimmune disease." sure, i don't have AIDS, but i never thought of those damn bites when i got 'em. i'm just wondering if my body chemistry got all whacked out between 1991 and 2001, when i was out of the country a total of 18 times...

god, i'm truly scared about the outcome. vision is probably the most important sense to have. you never appreciate what you have until it's gone...sigh. i want to be so positive but the uncertainty of permanent vision loss lurks in the shadows, like some pernicious joke.

no self-pity here...i'm just anxious and scared...and i guess i just need to get this off my chest. let's hope this little posting is that cathartic purge that will get that crap outta my left eye...

isn't it crazy though? all i wanted to hear the optometrist say was, "Don't wear your contacts for a month and take better care of them." HA-FUCKIN'-HA!

don't worry though, there'll be more promising news in my next post :) even if i hafta lie...