the things i do to please you guys...

i had just come down the stairs to blog a masterpiece when i spied a spider that had made its web on a couple drumsticks, hanging out of a box. a possible kill and not an easy one. smashing a spider on a wall just takes a quicker reaction and a helluva big shoe, with a good, flat sole.

however, killing a spider that is hanging in mid-air, not far from other objects takes a little more tact and skill. after all, you don't want to bust up the place trying to get at yer mortal arachnid enemy either. worse, with all that racket, you may inadvertently let it escape; you do not want to do a Porky Pig and shoot up the house, trying in vain to kill a fly that ultimately gets away in classic Looney Tunes fashion.

so, upon further investigation (but without mathematic calculations), i determined that this was not some stupid indoor spider that led the good life. rather, this was a creepy looking, widow type that must've just arrived from outside. GREAT...it's even more imperative that this fucker doesn't get away.

i didn't want to use my sandals, for fear of bumping into something and sabotaging the whole mission altogether. no, i went to look for back up.

upstairs, i couldn't find any bug spray, but i grabbed some Lysol (leftover from those dumpster divers who foolishly tried to rummage through my trash MWUHAHA). my sister, Susie, swears by it as a bug spray substitute. funny, in a house with spiders, you would think that we would have some Raid-type stuff on hand. nah, i prefer to fuckin' squaaash them with the power of the shoe...repent ye sinners or feel the wrath of my Nike!

went back down to face the enemy. sprayed it a few times, watching it fall onto a black (of course) jacket that is now disinfected and linen fresh as well. thinking that it was finished, i went upstairs to get a flashlight so i could spot the body easier and not be surprised if it were still twitching.

got my nubby flashlight that was absolutely fantastic in the jungles of Bolivia. it isn't the best flashlight that i've had (that prize goes to a huge Mag-Lite that i gave to my landlord in Peru), but it's still darn good and it was a heck of a lot cheaper ;)

went back to the spot and GODDAMN... it was gone! with a small bead of sweat on my brow, i carefully shone the light on the immediate area, frantically searching for a sticky, black corpse. nope. no sign. not good.

after a couple seconds of prodding the stuff underneath with one of the drumsticks, i caught a glimpse of some black body...but a very alive one.

it seems that the spider had just landed on the side of a milk crate, just underneath the jacket. argh. a milk crate - not a flat sided box. talk about complicating the whole situation.

wanna know what made everything reeaallyy bad? when i put the light on the spider, it was tapping one of its legs like it was waiting for me to make the next move. talk about a pissed spider... FU-UCK! i am so screwed.

i know that the majority of insects fear humans. after all, we are way bigger than they are...and the confrontation inevitably ends with a quick smack. however, i also know that spiders (and small animals) will bite if cornered or if quarters are tight. i just don't want a vengeful spider. that would not be good.

one of the world's most venemous spiders is the Brazilian wandering spider (Phoneutria nigriventer).

This spider is believed to have the most active neurotoxic venom of any living spider. Its venom is so potent that only 0.006mg (0.00000021oz) is sufficient to kill a mouse. that's 21 millionths of an ounce!!! the minimal chances of survival are compounded by the fact that these spiders like to lurk in shirts and shoes. careless people and (unfortunately) children become fatalities because the spider is aggressive and will bite multiple times.

so, while i know that no Brazilian wandering spiders co-habitate my house, i am not comforted by the thought of an enraged black spider that is gleefully juggling evil machinations of biting the peepee of the chinese guy living upstairs or possibly burrowing in his ear. i am so freaked out right now.

i'm ready though. i'm got my pillow, blanket, coat, hat, and Lysol. i'm gonna go upstairs and SLEEP IN THE CAR. take that you little eight-legged fukker!