just...

your average dyslexic fool counting his chickens.

that's me.

remember when i was doing an "I don't have jury duty" jig on monday? well, that came to a crashing end when i found the summons. turns out that my juror number was 3361, not 3811, which effectively put my dumb ass in the juror pool for tuesday.

i'm glad that i did locate the summons again, it's just unfortunate that it happened at midnight. and wouldn't you know it, i couldn't fall asleep until about 3:00.

so...i showed up with four hours of sleep. surprisingly, i didn't nod off once. in fact, i even kept a log of all the crap that went on from the time i got there until i was let off the hook in the afternoon. so here goes...

8:15...Arrived. It has been more than five years since I was last called for jury duty. Looks like they've replaced the old, orange, plush seats with forest green interlocking ones.

8:50...Video? They play a ten minute video now, describing how GREAT it is to serve on a jury...ri-ight. those people are so full of shit!

9:20...no action yet. still waiting for the first call/collection of jurors. think it's a good time to go to the bathroom...stretch a bit. although these green chairs are comfortable, they're not the great snoozers that they used to have.

9:22...figuring i might have a couple free minutes, i hustle down to the basement, where public court records are held. last year, i saw my friend, Sean, who used to be my doubles partner in volleyball. it had been almost ten years since i saw him last. he mentioned that he had worked in the basement for seven years and to visit him sometime. in anticipation of the pending jury duty, i had made him a CD of the Very Best of ELO. whenever i was in his car, he played three artists: ELO, the Eagles, and BOC. thought he might appreciate it if he didn't have it. well, when i asked if he was working, the people there acted like they had never heard of him. weird. oh well, maybe he's already quit. and from the attitude of those people, it wouldn't surprise me. they were sooo helpful...joiks.

9:37...there must be 120-150 people. I'm sitting in the center section, fourth row. On my left is a lady in her 50's...she has snall cuts on her right arm. must be cat scratches. the gal in front of me, in green, is reading Joseph Heller's Catch 22. she's engaged in a very one sided conversation with the lady on her right, overweight and on oxygen and talkative as hell. i can see her hairy upper lip quiver with delight as she pontificates on her exciting life as a preschool aide. kinda sad, she must be very lonely.

9:41...First round. Didn't get called...yay! people are so odd. two individuals who had their numbers called, acknowledged theirs being selected and remained in the back. hello! if you get called, don't you think you should assemble with the others? do you think you'll just be forgotten? anyway, there's a Japanese man in the fifth row, on my left. he reminds me of blue collar guys of the 60's...classic black plastic framed glasses, white socks, lace up oxfords, jeans that are too big for him, and shirt that could be tucked in. hmmm. whose time machine did you ride in on?

9:52...there's a lady in a hot pink tank in the front row, reading the classified section. wish i had a paper. i just brought a travel book that i'm not too keen on reading. ugh. my right knee is hot from playing the night before. glad i'm taking today off from playing. across from me is a lady who was dabbling in a Sudoku for Children book. she just downed a golden delicious apple and is busily reading a magazine, copying article parts and tearing out coupons. hope it's her magazine; there's nothing more annoying than reading a torn up magazine in a waiting area. on a bench, along the right-side wall, is a woamn in lilac. she has been shooting the breeze with an african american man w/ a pierced left ear. he's got on an olive colored short sleeve shirt, brown pants, thin gold chains, black wire rims, and is pretty much bald. he's probably about fifty. you know, i don't understand men who are over forty and still sporting a pierced ear. when i first saw him, he reminded me of a bald morgan freeman - a great actor who should do without the earring. dude, you're almost seventy...get rid of it! anyway, the lilac lady is full of colors. not only is she sporting a teal top underneath that vest, but she has brought out some needlework...burgundy with lots of flowers. i tell you, it's a cacophony of hues over there on that bench.

9:57...there's a gal, mebbe 20 years old, two rows up from me, who's vainly trying to twist her body into a crescent moon shape to sleep. as she tosses and turns, i turn my gaze to a young man across from her. he's got low riding jeans and some super thin flip flops. i don't get how he can be mobile. if i were dressed like that, i'd have an uncanny feeling of tripping on those sandals while fumbling with my pants, which, by now, have fallen around my ankles. i JUST don't GET it.

10:11...when's round two? i'm getting kind of anxious. the last two times i was called for jury duty, i almost made it to noon without having my number picked. mebbe the third time will be a charm...pleeeease. lady on my left has just put her book down. it's called The Lincoln Lawyer, by Michael Connelly. fiction? something i don't read... I just noticed a couple things about her. On her left hand, she's got a pretty cool black pearl ring. You can also tell that she's had some plastic surgery, most likely a facelift. she's got some beady eyes and WAY too smooth cheekbone skin. Entertainment Weekly. some man in a seersucker shirt has just strode up to the front to return this magazine and is presumably looking for more titillating reading...like Playboy. nope. think i saw two other guys absconding with the tattered issues of Penthouse and Hustler. sorry pal. ewww. facelift lady had been chewing/sucking on something for quite awhile. turns out to be a contact lens that she was rehydrating! the horror...think of the germs...and to think that i did that on occasion in my teens...shudder

10:22...Numerous cops and sheriffs coming in for the free coffee at the back of the room. Do you ever look around to see if you know anyone? i had seen 3-4 people who looked familiar. maybe familiarity conjures a feeling of comfort/security. speaking of which, a guy with a blue Coors t-shirt who was standing in front of me earlier, smelled like greasy, cig smoke, and probably hadn't washed his hair in a week. no comfort there.

10:31...just 89 more mintes before they turn us loose. either everyone's getting a late start or there's not much going on. then why the 120+ people? what kind of wacko random lottery is this? and who gets the Shirley Jackson jury duty...rocks anyone? still anxious...still dread being here. when's lunch?

10:38...maybe i should get back to reading. i just looked over this literary masterpiece and am wondering how the hell i'm going to decipher my handwriting later. it has certainly deteriorated over the years. looks like i've filled 3/4 of the page with my not-so-lucid ramblings. come on noon, get here fast.

10:41...Round 2. DAMMIT! i was the last person to be called in my group. 60's Japanese man and greasy Coors t-shirt man also join me. we have until 11:15 to report to courtroom 320E. just hanging out in the lobby...pondering what to do for the next 30 minutes. originally, considered guying burrito heh but luckily they're too small for the money. can't unleash my flatulent fury upon the courtroom. so...just gonny hang out until then. still puzzled by the people in the basement. btw, Judge Johnny C. Barajas will be presiding over the courtroom.

11:01...I always forget how much beautiful stone is in this building. classic architecture. smooth granite. art deco wall sconces. one thing i never forget though...the perpetual old smell. not musty or moldy...just old. oh joy! courtroom 320E is a criminal court. wonder what's on the menu today? murder? larceny? felonious frolics?

11:30...finally in the courtroom. running late. judge seems pretty cool. he hopes to get the jury selected by 2:00. of the twenty potential jurors, i'm number 14. retro japanese man is #6 and stinky hair coors man is #16. our case today is 3rd degree assault and child abuse...not good.

12:15...got through our introductions. this is one educated bunch. two doctors (anesthesiologist and oncologist), a PhD candidate, a few MBAs, a few MAs, an attorney, a bartender, a couple students, two retired people, an engineer (japanese guy), a day laborer (Coors t-shirt), and me. off to lunch! got until 1:30. i think that leaves me enough time to go to Taki's.

1:15...making my way back to court. it's a really hot day. there's all kinds of loiterers around civic center. selling drugs. lying on spread out blankets underneath the trees. not a lot of action though... damn, bit my upper lip on my last bite of food. iced it down for fifteen minutes, but i wonder if it's gonna swell up and make me lisp ;) that'll get me out of serving...big ol' purple lip guy.

3:20...sigh. finally got out of there. right before lunch, the doctors were excused since they "had afternoon patients." uh-huh. i SO believe you. and five of us were just excused when we expressed our potential bias against the accused. let's face it, one look at him and his face screamed 'WIFE BEATER.' all kinds of red flags went up for me. sorry, dude. just be happy that you got a fairer trial without me. i HOPE you're innocent...but if you're not, i hope they stuck it to ya today.