blame it on Derbs...

since the topic of menstruation seems not to be off-topic on some blogs, i have decided to blog, at the urging of Derbs ;), about a personal incident involving bodily fluids. it doesn't exactly fit the title, "Diarrhea from Hades" (somehow that doesn't sound right Nelle...), but it'll do.

my two scariest bouts with the 'Hershey squirts' occurred seven months apart in 1995. the funniest one occurred at the end of a dig in Bella Union (about seven hours south of Lima), Peru. ever have one of those incidents where you think you have reached rock bottom and someone has to come along and kick you just for good measure? you know the feelin'...

we had just finished a phenomenal seafood meal of mussels and fish at our compound before we were to head south on a bus trip to Arequipa, one of Peru's most beautiful cities. it's called the 'white city' because much of the city is constructed with sillar, a white volcanic stone. El Misti is a beautiful 19,154 foot dormant volcano that lies just outside of town..along with two other volcanoes, Chachani and Pichu Pichu.

during the whole dig, i was one of the lucky ones. much of our crew, even the principal investigator, had gotten some stomach ailment at one point; the north side of the house had been designated as our 'barf patch' :P however, through some miraculous intervention, i somehow had avoided the pukey syndrome...

well, as we were doing our last minute things before the bus arrival, i got a small case of diarrhea. no problem...just get it over with before a 10 hour bus ride, eh?

got on the bus with no fanfare. we waved to everyone and even shed a few tears.

second stop was in Chala, which is considered to be the armpit of coastal Peru. of course, after 90 minutes, i needed to go; the bumps were getting hard to handle. and gee, only 8.5 hours until Arequipa...unnhhh.

the bus driver had announced that we had 15 minutes to grab a drink, smoke a cig, etc. i headed for the nearest bathroom in this restaurant. i walk in and find grimy walls and two stalls...open the doors and find that there is no commode. they do it egyptian style in chala! you just brace your arms against the walls and hope you have good aim. the cold sweats were sure sapping my strength...i was slipping and sliding all over that stall. peee-eeewww! i don't think i splashed my pants and boots...

got my business done and even bought a bottle of orange soda before getting back on. i was feeling okay...talked to the gal next to me for a bit. she had joined us a bit late on the dig and was tagging along with us before she headed to Bolivia. she was really cool. she knew that i wasn't feeling very good and (bless her soul) let me even rest my head on her lap for a nap.

i had slept for almost two hours when i woke up and felt strangely better...like a whole lot better. refreshed, i sat up...and felt something immediately come on. it wasn't from that end though...i got pukey syndrome instead. some consolation prize!!!

i was in total panic. we had already thrown away our lunch bags and there was no time to force a window open (since i had the aisle seat) or run to the front of the bus. i had the option of hurling on the lady's hair in front of me (since it probably would have caught it all) or start a barf-a-thon by depositing it on the aisle.

no. i did the diplomatic thing to do...i caught it in my hands and let the warmth cascade down my arms. the gal next to me said i was so quiet...there was no retching. she said that she woke up and the moonlight that had shone down on me made me look like a human fountain of vomit, glistening in the light...gee, thanks. that makes me feel a whole lot better!

well, the bus stopped...everyone got to stare as i got off and rummaged through my bag for a change of clothes. quickly, i grabbed three things...a t-shirt, long underwear and a heavy wool poncho. still, i nearly froze my nuts off on that bus.

the diarrhea was gone. i ruled out food poisoning because that was it...no more barfin' either. later, i figured that it probably was the mummy toddler that i had collected two weeks before. hoping to keep the body intact, i placed him on my clipboard and wrapped it in the long sleeved shirt that i was wearing before placing him in a plastic bag. in preparation for transporting the body to the Catholic University Museum in Arequipa, i took my shirt back and washed it...TWICE...before we left! of course, i should have realized that the mummy had probably waited 700 years for my blue twill shirt...why didn't i just leave it as an offering?!?

so if you're ever on yer way from Nazca to Arequipa and are visiting the necropolis in Nazca, leave a clothing item near one of the mummies...they're cold. and if your horrorscope outlook is promising, your bus may even skip the scheduled stop in Chala...